


But deep, deep down, everything's a mess.

by lionheartress



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 20:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionheartress/pseuds/lionheartress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean talks to Charlie (in 8.11), he gets a flashback of something that happened in Purgatory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But deep, deep down, everything's a mess.

**Author's Note:**

> this was already published on my tumblr (lionheartress.tumblr.com)

„Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone, too?”  
“Me?”

_The sound of the river gushing over the stones. The feeling of pure, utter, flooding relief and joy and dizziness at seeing the crouching figure at the shore. The familiar dirty, beaten-up trench coat. And that flash of piercing blue after he calls his name and he turns around and it’s him, it’s really him and he’s alive and breathing and he will never forget what it felt like to close his arms around him because they found him, he’s there and they’re gonna get out and it’s gonna be alright, everything’s gonna be alright, because how can it not, now that they’re reunited?  
Another memory rises, unwanted, but strong, oh so strong. It was a few days later, they were resting for the night. He was keeping watch while Benny and Cas were sleeping. Cas was stirring and starting to toss around, like he was having a nightmare. He bent down to touch his shoulder, to reassure him, to wake him up to talk to him, he wasn’t sure, but Cas’ reaction caught him completely off guard. He didn’t wake up, he simply calmed down almost instantly and gripped his hand. The unexpected touch sent a jolt through his whole body and Cas didn’t seem inclined to let go of his fingers any time soon. Tentatively, he crouched on the floor next to his friend and watched him sleep, senses still keen on his surroundings, out for any potential danger, of course, but most of his attention focused on the way his eyes were fluttering beneath the lids and how his fingers were lingering on his own and how his chest was moving, up and down, up and down, in a steady rhythm now, almost hypnotizing and his lips, those full, red, slightly parted lips and he could feel himself drawn to them and what’s going on here, this is Cas, for God’s sake, Cas – his companion, his friend, almost his brother – but he wants him to be more than that, doesn’t he? All those emotions welling up in him and he doesn’t even know what he feels and what he wants and what he should do because this is Cas but his chest aches and his breath speeds up and still he is drawn to those lips, bending his head lower and lower and now their lips finally meet, ever so lightly, but it feels like the universe implodes and is concentrated in this moment between the two of them because he never even knew he was capable of so many different sensations at once – how soft it feels but how intense and this smell that is so distinctly Cas and the rough ground beneath his knees fades away and there’s only Cas and now the grip on his fingers tightens and he wants to shy away because holy shit what is he doing but it feels so damn right and then suddenly there’s a hand on the back of his head and it’s pulling him close, even closer and he opens his eyes – when did he even shut them? – and all he can see is blue, this piercing brilliant blue and the emotions he sees there mirror his own, but it’s too much, way too much and too intense and too overwhelming and he can’t deal with it yet so he closes his eyes again and concentrates on the sensation of those lips on his and his mind is flooded with all the things he wants to do to this man and then there’s a new sensation – teeth grazing his bottom lip and he sucks in a deep breath and the ache in his chest has long been replaced by a warm, tingling feeling and it’s spreading all over him and concentrating low in his body and he – no no no stop it Dean, stop this stop this NOW you can’t dwell on that get a grip on yourself Charlie’s waiting for her answer say something you stupid idiot ANYTHING – _

“No.”

_Break up with someone. If only. A breakup would’ve been so much better than this fucking mess. Yes Cas is back but he’s different, so very different and what’s happened to him and - no no no don’t think about it, ignore the ache in your chest, just ignore it all, shove it down, deep deep down, where it belongs, buried so deep down that no one can ever find it again._


End file.
